That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
