I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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