Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
