she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
