I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
