You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
