I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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