It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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