she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
