I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
