i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
