Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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