That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
