I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
