Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
