i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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