I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You were trust falling into bushes
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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