you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
