Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
