Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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