i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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