I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
