I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
