I like my sex mixed with concussions.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
