I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
