ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
