I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
