My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
