when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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