His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He has the fingertips of a God
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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