I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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