I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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