How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
