Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
