There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
sarcasm needs its own font
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
