I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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