I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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