i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
