I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
