Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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