If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
