i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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