I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
