Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
