Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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