Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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