So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
