this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
me + whiskey = a bad person
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
