His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
