sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Randomize
